5 Acts of Kindness to Change the World

Kindness isn’t overrated. It is underused! Kindness moves mountains and breaks down walls. Kindness restores hope and instills vision. Kindness is the least expensive tool we’ve got toward building fabulous marriages – and when our home lives are incredible…the world around us changes. And we can change the world.

BUT…it is really easy to get in the habit of not being kind. As much as we’re wired for connection, we are also manipulated by self-protection. If your marriage isn’t all that right now, your brain is screaming, “Don’t do that kind thing! She might think you’re weak!” or “Losing.” or “A loser.” or “Vulnerable.” If you’re kind, maybe he’ll take advantage of you. So you just go on, being unkind and wrapping yourself up in your protective bubble – all safe and miserable.

Here is our challenge. Start being KIND and watch the world change around you. Your own personal world, and the one right beyond your purview. If you engage kindness with consistency, you will be different. And you will see things in a new way. Try these – every day – until they become the habit of your way of living:

Smile: Not just at someone you know and are already connected to. Smile at a stranger on the subway (yes. the subway – we know it’s not cool. So start a movement). Or the toll booth worker. Smile at the employee checking you out at Fresh Market. Or the person walking in to your favorite coffee shop that you don’t know. Be intentional, and start smiling.

Appreciate: Every single day, tell at least five people something you appreciate. This doesn’t have to be big stuff…tell your neighbor you appreciate how great his lawn looks. Tell your child’s teacher that you appreciate them helping your child learn. Tell your boss you appreciate his insight (even if you don’t agree with it)! Tell your wife you appreciate she picked up your clothes at the cleaner. If this is hard, it tells you something about how you look at the world. There’s lots to appreciate when you are looking.

Remember and remind: We all get those flashes of a good memory. So speak it to someone, and even better, speak it to the person you shared it with. Remind them of that great moment! Remind your mom about when the car broke down and she was such a BOSS in how she handled it – helping you get unafraid. Remind your child of the moment he was born, and how it was nothing less than AMAZING. Remind your spouse of the first time you looked at them and had that overwhelming sense that this was more.

Send an encouragement: You can do this is so many ways. Take the moment to post a reply on someone’s blog (hint, hint), or article, or post. Feedback is kind! Or respond to a group email with an encouragement tucked in. Send a good luck text to the friend who has a presentation or text your spouse and encouragement right before they pick up the kids. You can do this!

Pay it Forward: When you grab a cup of coffee, pay for the person next in line. It’s delightful to be the recipient of such kindness! Sponsor a child through one of the awesome organizations that care for kids in dire situations (we have four kids through Compassion International). Pass up the closest parking spot for an elderly driver, or young mom with a carload of kids – and smile as you do. Look the homeless person in the eye, with dignity, and tell them hello…the pay-it-forward possibilities are endless! How many can you manage over the next month?

God puts such value in kindness…in Romans 2:4, He tells us that His kindness is intended to lead us to Him! To change, to repentance so we can stop living in fear and self-protection, and start living in abundance and passion. Give kindness – intentional, consistent kindness – a try. It is life-changing!

Living the unboundedlife,

Susan and Jere

Obsessively Grateful

Obsession can be a really bad thing. Dictionary.com describes obsession as “an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.” We have certainly been victims of obsessions that are destructive, however…

Obsession with gratefulness is really a good thing. The benefits of gratefulness are just being fully uncovered, although God has shared this with us since the beginning. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, God encourages us to “give thanks in all circumstances.” Today science is showing us the tremendous impact that becoming grateful, obsessively grateful, is really good:

Gratitude improves physical health:  Robert A Emmons, professor of psychology at UC Davis reports, “Clinical trials indicate that the practice of gratitude can have dramatic and lasting effects in a person’s life. It can lower blood pressure, improve immune function and facilitate more efficient sleep.” A recent study from UC San Diego’s School of Medicine also found that grateful people have “better heart health, specifically less inflammation and healthier heart rhythms.”  A 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences reveals that grateful people also experience fewer aches and pains, and report being generally overall healthier than other people.

Gratitude improves psychological health: Gratitude helps us reduce many toxic emotions like envy, resentment, frustration and regret. Grateful people report being happier people and demonstrate higher emotional resilience. In a 2017 study, Researcher Chih-Che Lin discovered that, even when controlling for personality, a high level of gratitude has a strong positive impact on psychological well-being, self-esteem, and depression. By becoming obsessively grateful, and living a life of gratitude, we can increase the odds of emotional well-being in our lives.

Gratitude improves sleep: According to a 2011 study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, you can improve your sleep with a simple practice. By taking a few minutes to jot down some grateful sentiments before bed, you may sleep longer and improve the quality of your sleep.

Gratitude improves self-esteem: A 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology found that the practice of gratitude increased athlete’s self-esteem known to be an essential component to optimal performance. Other studies have shown that gratitude reduces social comparisons. Rather than becoming resentful toward people who have more money or better jobs – which is a major factor in reduced self-esteem, grateful people are able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments.

Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression. According to a 2012 study at the University of Kentucky, grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, even when others behave unkindly toward them. Participants in the study who ranked higher on gratitude scales were less likely to seek retaliation against others, even when given negative feedback. The grateful group reported higher levels of empathy and sensitivity toward others, and a reduced desire to seek revenge.

Gratitude increases mental strength. Gratitude has been shown, for some time, to be a key ingredient in helping trauma victims heal, along with being a great stress reducer. A 2006 study published in Behavior Research and Therapy found that Vietnam War Veterans with higher levels of gratitude experienced lower rates of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks on September 11.  Fostering a habit of gratefulness, even during difficult times, builds resilience.

Gratitude opens the door to improved, and possibly more, relationships. Being intentional with appreciation in ongoing relationships has been consistently shown to increase the connection. In addition, saying “thank you” constitutes good manners, and showing appreciation can help you win new friends, according to a 2014 study published in Emotion. The study found that thanking a new acquaintance makes them more likely to seek an ongoing relationship. Whether you thank a stranger for holding the door, appreciate the cup of coffee your spouse brought, or send a quick thank-you note to a neighbor who helped you with a project, acknowledging other people’s contributions can lead to new opportunities and strengthen existing ones.

As we head into the Christmas season and focus on giving, commit to being grateful. Obsessively grateful!

Living the Unboundedlife,

Susan and Jere

Thankful and Grateful

We fully embrace forming and maintaining the habit of gratefulness…join us this month!

The Changing Season: 5 Ways To Embrace Change This Fall

It is EVIDENT that lots of people love fall. There are memes and facebook covers, promotions and pumpkin patches. When the weather starts to make that slightest turn from scorching heat, people break out the boots, light the fires and talk of the change.  As F. Scott Fitzgerald so eloquently states, “Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.”

We all know change can be good. Breaking out of patterns that are mundane or destructive, and forging into new ways whether it is about how we spend money, take care of our health or parent our children. But how often, honestly, do we examine our marriages for areas that need change? And then, the bigger question: how often do we do something about it?

Here are 5 ways we challenge you to embrace change in your marriage during this season that is all about change:

LIVE GENEROUSLY.

Right now, in this very instant, purpose that you will live generously. What does that look like? Sure…it looks like paying-it-forward with your money and buying the person behind you in line coffee at your favorite shop. Or it means donating to a charity that stirs your soul. It may mean filling the backpack for students who can’t afford all the school supplies. But what about your marriage…what are ways you can live generously in your marriage? Here goes:

• Have eyes to see the mundane or routine things your spouse does for you – maybe your laundry gets washed and folded each week without your saying anything. Or maybe the groceries appear in the pantry. Maybe your tires get rotated or the lawn gets mowed or the porch gets swept. SEE IT. With new eyes. And then appreciate your spouse, out loud, and look them in the eye as you speak. We challenge you to do this every day this fall.

COMPLAIN LESS.

This one can be a challenge. At first glance, you may think you don’t complain. Is that true…really? What is your gut response when something isn’t just so…when the kids wake you on the weekend, or you can’t find your phone? Someone drinks the last of the coffee or forgets to put the garage door down. Maybe you couch your complaints in “wishes…” like I WISH you would have called me today. Stop. Just stop. And START:

• Dreaming. Together. This is a dare for the fall…and it can dramatically change your marriage. Hold your spouse’s hand and look in their eyes and speak a dream, out loud. It can be a really big dream (I dream about us getting on a SpaceEx rocket and flying to Mars) or a day-to-day dream (I dream about us getting to curl up this evening and watch This is Us). Speaking a dream to your partner, big or little, every day, breathes life into your relationship. You may find yourselves speaking the same dream and then strategizing on how it can come true. Meantime? Those things that were taking your headspace in complaints start to dim…

PROTECT INTIMACY:

Male or female, our physical intimacy is deeply connected to our emotional intimacy. No matter how tough the exterior or seemingly impermeable to feelings, it just isn’t so. A huge, enormous and both subtle and screaming barrier to intimacy is our electronic world. Our engagement with our facebook and instagram. Creating and sharing our stories and endlessly connecting with all our friends. Online. With our spouse sitting right next to us at the table, or on the couch. Or in bed. We are not necessarily advocating turning off social media, but we challenge you to manage it and make it an enhancement to your life – not allow it to be your life. So…

• Put it down. Carve out time that is social media and electronic gadget free. When the ding of a message or the sound of a like will NOT distract you, no matter what. Make your living, breathing partner in front of you or by your side your focus and obsession. Do this, with intentionality, for extended periods of time EVERY DAY.
• Another part of this fall change: if you have been talking to another via text or chat or email or game comments and your spouse doesn’t know? Just stop. That is robbing your marriage of intimacy, it is betraying the bounds of your commitment. Seriously – this starts out really subtle but it is devastating to your marriage. If you are struggling here, reach out to us. We can help. We’ve been there.
  

HAVE FUN:

All the marriage advice sites tell you to “have a date night.” Sure…that’s great. But we advocate something even more basic and constant: have fun. Early on, we had fun. We both thought about it and were really purposeful to create fun. Somehow we quit doing that and it takes finding joy in the mundane. This fall, maybe you can have fun by:

• Making the bed together. It’s more fun than you realize when you do it together
• Get out an old year book and share some quirky things from those years
• Make green eggs and ham one morning. Or green eggs and tofu. Or just green eggs
• Rake leaves and then crawl in the pile, lay down on your backs and throw the leaves in the air (that could be a cool selfie)
• Go to the pumpkin patch together, without your kids
• Tell stupid jokes, and allow yourselves to laugh

You get the idea. Find the fun in the little things, and dare to go back to allowing yourselves to be in the moment. Lifechanging.

DON’T GIVE UP

A counselor once told us that as we try to embrace these new ways of thinking and being it would be TOUGH. He called us to remember when we very first did something new…like driving. We were tense and nervous and trying to remember all the things we’d been told: look in the mirrors, hands on 10 and 2…but within just a couple days, we were cruisin’ down the highway with one arm on the wheel, relaxed. So it is with these fall changes that we want you to live.

Don’t give up. Give yourselves a chance to settle into a new normal. A normal that is generous and hopeful. A normal that is connected and fun. This fall, right now. If you mess up, it’s okay. If you complain again. If you forget to dream. If you have a few days of no fun. Start again and embrace the season with change.

Living the unboundedlife,

Susan and Jere

 

 

 

And so it ends. Or, can it begin?

We were hit by Irma. The worst of the storm hit around 2 am…the wind making sounds that terrified us. Power out, we were grateful to have internet access until daylight and to have an eerie linkage to friends around the region and state who were experiencing the same fury. The same fear.

Our city was ravaged by this angry girl with massive flooding, 200-year old trees ripped out of the ground, taking cars and houses and many, many electrical wires with them as they plunged to the ground. A week out from the storm, there is not a street in the city that isn’t piled 5 – 6 – 7 feet high with debris. Docks are nonexistent as far as the eye can see, and their remnants are strewn blocks away from the river’s edge.

She was the worst, by far, that we have experienced. And she was only a Cat-1 when her bands were pummeling our area. Unimaginable what it would be like in a Cat-4 or 5…and our hearts break for those in the islands who lived that hell, and are left with little.

As we all began to peek out from our covers the next day, look around, we were stunned. With our own eyes, we could see water – river water – lapping up three blocks inland. We saw cars with water to their windows and houses with water in the doors. We saw massive trees – oaks, pines, magnolias, hickorys, even palms – uprooted or snapped. Eight and nine enormous trees, felled in one park alone, and tree after tree mangled with wires and poles leaving our area in the dark. We had no communication, no internet, no landlines or cell lines.

Even though our own eyes saw the devastation, it is almost unimaginable.

So why are we writing about this in a marriage blog?

The aftermath of Irma is what our marriage looked like.  After the storm of infidelity hit full on, nothing made sense. Everything was jumbled and unclear and there was rubble everywhere – in every corner of my mind, and my heart, and my soul. There was nothing to hang on to at first…I had cried out to God for much of my marriage to be a better wife. To have a better marriage. To honor Him in my thoughts and actions. I felt forsaken by Jere, and God, and everyone and everything. There was no solid ground or point of reference that made any sense at all. As I looked around at the havoc and confusion, I absolutely considered quitting. Walking away. No, running away. It was too much. I was too overwhelmed and broken and unable to see beyond the destruction.

Without any understanding, I picked up a small twig. A tiny piece of the rubble and decided what to do with it. Slowly, with tears and fear and moments of thinking I couldn’t, I did. So did Jere.

We were at the pivotal point of ending or beginning.

And we did both. We ended the years of shallow communication. Of subtle and not-so-subtle lies and deception Of the old marriage based on what we thought we knew about each other. We ended the old marriage that wasn’t that great…but it was the best we knew. And we began. We began a new marriage based on vulnerability and transparency. On identifying our needs and working to meet them together. On shared vision that we actually defined and on creating complete safety for each other. A marriage in which shame is extinct – and possibility and love grow exponentially.

We learned skills and tools, created a new language between us, and live in a completely different way. The destruction of all that we were has led to two individuals who are more whole, and now live a marriage that is astounding.

Devastation gives us the opportunity to decide: Ending? Beginning? We vote for both.

Living unboundedlife,

Susan

 

Open Doors

A marriage is like a room with many mansions. But how many rooms do you live in?

Emotional Connection Matters

Jere is calm. He is even-keeled. I had an ongoing theory about him, me and most other couples I knew: the idea that there is a mean-line of emotional…and some people travel along that line barely going over or under – demonstrated by not getting overly excited about good things, or overly bothered by challenges. Then there are the people, like me, that felt highs very high…and lows very, very low. Both were okay, just different.

We have come to call this our emotional amplitude, with ranges that can vary greatly:

It explained a lot, and I even valued it – Jere was the ying to my yang, the calm to my excitement. But deep in my soul there were times I felt so disconnected, like we really didn’t even speak the same language. We have come to find out we didn’t.

Today, Jere is a far more demonstrably emotional man. He feels deeply, and isn’t ashamed to let me, and other people, know. Conversely, I have learned to feel the real emotion of the moment, rather than allow a secondary emotion (like anger) cloud my ability to share my soul. Now, we can make the crazy-amazing connection of the soul that marriage is meant to be.

This month, we are going to post a few ideas about why disconnection, and how to find it, authentically, in your relationship. The process takes courage – vulnerability and transparency are not for the weak. But the payoff…wow. Deep, heart-to-heart connection that creates an environment for both partners to individually flourish, and your relationship to be more than you ever dared dream.

We invite you to join us and work toward finding love without limit.

Living unboundedlife,

Susan and Jere

Integrity Speak

Our speech, our talk, has integrity. Or it doesn’t.

How many times has your child, or your spouse, uttered a begrudging “I’m sorry” in a tone that is anything but sorry, bearing a stance of engagement and a look of disgust?

When that happens, the listener can hear the words, but immediately struggles to decode the real message. Sure…the words say something, but nothing else about the moment supports what the words say. Doubt arises in the listener and most likely, tense moments, and possible tense words, follow.

Matthew 15:18 says “…what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart.” When we speak without integrity, we really have a heart issue, yet think that between the heart and the words traveling up through our throats and exiting our mouths we can cover up the real feelings, but our tone and body language give it away. Or at least give away that there is incongruity between the words and how we feel.

There were many times that we had buried the heart issues so deeply – news flash, they can hurt – that we would insist the incongruity was on the part of the hearer, rather than us, the speaker. We were wrong.

Today, we work hard in our marriage to use integrity speak. To make it easier on each other – relieve them from having to decode or figure out what we really mean. Today our words reflect our heart, and our tone and body language match.

Before we were willing to see this, and be open to learning new things and new ways, life in our home was much more unstable at best…toxic at times. Today, it is safe and encouraging. To use integrity speak, it has meant dealing with our heart issues, learning to care enough, to receive His love with so much abundance that it spills out in our speech and is carried through our tone and our gestures. It’s not something that just happens magically…it is hard, vulnerable work that takes bravery and perseverance. Oh…but the rich reward of living in a connected, intimate relationship with each other and our God is sweet. We want this for you, too, and are willing to show you the way.

Living UnboundedLife,

Susan and Jere

 

Broken Things Speak

“If it’s true you use broken things, then here I am Lord, I’m all yours”
Matthew West – Broken Things

Jere and I spent most of our lives pretending we weren’t very broken. That sure, we had some flaws, but not so much that we were broken.

We had it so wrong, so terribly and completely and utterly wrong.

We could not speak life or love into anyone, least of all, ourselves or our marriage, because we didn’t know life. We were living, constantly, to cover the death that we feared so much. Sure, we believed in eternal life. We believed Jesus died, once for all, for our salvation and that one day, we would be in heaven with Him. And those things are true, and we were right.

But here one earth, in the present and now, we were stuck. Rather than being ALIVE…we were dead. The earth death that subtly covered us was so incredibly overwhelming, we did everything we could to deny it, pretty it up, justify it, or just plain ignore it. The death that was actions and deeds. The death from our lips in the form of lies or pretensions or manipulations. The death that started in our thoughts that was plotting or revenge or untruths. The death that we couldn’t even see because it was so tightly tied on to every part of us. The death we would not have admitted, least of all to ourselves.

Then we just could not ignore it any longer. When Jere’s affairs came to light, I crumbled. I lay in a fetal position at first. He was pierced with his actions for the first time. And we began to move into a process with God, the Triune and mighty God standing firmly and compassionately with us on the journey of stripping and peeling and revealing.

Revealing our brokenness.

Drawing us into the surrender where we could find the balm and healing that would make us whole. Drawing us into the place of our purpose, and revealing to us that we could now speak. Speak of things we knew that only could be through our broken selves and His tender mercy as He healed us.

We have learned that yes, it’s true that He uses broken things. Such a dichotomy – such a mystery! The urgency that He has given us to tell the world what marriage can be is overwhelming. We are desperate to share the ways we have learned to heal. To speak life, to speak love, into our marriages.

Does your marriage need help? Do you wake up every day grateful to be next to your spouse? Do you ache to share your victories with your partner, and feel crazy until you have shared your fears, or challenges? Do you feel safe sharing anything at any time for any reason? Are you bound together as one, with no space between you, yet feel more freedom than ever to blossom as an individual?

If this isn’t your marriage experience – you can have more. Please reach out. We are broken…and want to speak life and love into your marriage.

Living the Unboundedlife,

Susan and Jere

Speak Life

You can have an amazing marriage. An outrageously connected, passionate, caring and fun marriage. The reason we are such proponents of amazing marriage is because ours wasn’t that way for a long time. Now that it is, we live in awe, appreciating every day the beauty of our relationship.

We care how we speak to each other. Whether we are sharing something wonderful and exciting, or scary and overwhelming, we use words that encourage the other to hear us. We understand, now, that our words can shut the other down or stop them from listening. We want to be heard.

We have learned that our words should tell the truth, that they should mean what they say and that we should, and can, say what we mean.

Words are important. They can be used to throw out old pain from inside and fling it on to someone else. They can be used as poorly cloaked daggers to inflict wounds and draw blood. Words can slice and boil and pierce.

Words can also build up. And soothe and comfort and heal.

During this month, we encourage you to love your spouse with your words. Use this month to speak life and vision and future into your partner, personally, and into your relationship. God showed us this in dramatic fashion. He spoke – He used words – to create this world we live in…the sun and stars and seas and mountains. His perfect love spilled out in words to create sunsets and rainforests and all the crazy, diverse animals that cohabitate with us. His words brought us light. His words brought us life.

Your words can do the same. Every day this month, look your spouse in the eye. Speak a dream and a hope into your marriage, into the life of your partner. Try it: I dream we are on the beach and hope we can get there this month, together. Or I dream that it is Saturday and hope we can lay in bed and have a cup of coffee. Or I dream you and I are dancing and hope we can go next week. Speak life, speak love, speak tomorrow into your marriage.

Watch what happens…

Living unboundedlife,

Susan and Jere